Friday the Thirteenth
The Atlantic Ocean
Friday, 13th March 2015
Dear Cruise Company
We have a number of complaints about the way we are being treated on this luxury cruise:
Last night we had to hand steer the whole night because sargasso weed kept wrapping itself around the self-steering rudder. The brochure says: "enjoy learning to sail while taking part in all the activities on offer", nowhere does it mention that these activities are compulsory.
The wildlife is disappointing, the brochure promises daily dolphin displays, so far we have only had two out of six of the scheduled appearances, and regular whale meetings, so far one distant sighting only. Moreover my companion was punched in the back by a flying fish and we expect financial compensation for this assault.
At the bar I was told they had run out of coca-cola! instead I was offered a herbal tea for which there is a promotion on last century's stock. The food has also gone downhill, the cheese cake served up last night looked like it had leapt out of the oven. Worse still, the Captain doesn't even dress for dinner anymore.
The television in our cabin appears to be stuck on Sky TV, and it must be playing a repeat as I have a strong sense of 'déjà-vu'.
We would also like to put in a complaint against our neighbour Mr. Russian Fisher who is constantly shouting obscenities down the radio.
However we would like to commend you for the deck solar showering facilities - it is the first cruise where the water has been hot.
We look forward to hearing from you.
P.S. Having a fabulous time despite this list of complaints.
Response from Cruise Company:
Dear Ms McMoaning
Thank you for your letter. CC is delighted that you are enjoying your luxury cruise to the full and taking maximum advantage of all the activities and entertainment provided.
The small print in your contract clearly states that dolphins and whales may be replaced by flying fish and tropic birds without prior notice. Please note that close encounters with wildlife are an optional extra that you haven't paid for, we will therefore deduct the 'slapped by a flying fish' rate from your credit card.
We apologise about the appearance of the cheese cake, the chef is still coming to terms with the automatic eject feature of the oven. Unfortunately as we were short-staffed, the Captain has had to double for the cabaret act.
We will arrange for a technician to visit your cabin. In addition to 'Sky T.V. basic' (the programme you are watching is "Sunshine Special" a favourite among many of our clients), you should be able to watch SEA 1 and SEA 2 on freeview. In addition there are a number of videos available for download; 'Waterworld' is free and 'A Perfect Storm', 'Rainman', 'Force 10 from Navarone' and 'Twister' are all available for a small fee.
We note your complaint about Mr. Russian Fisher, he will not be invited to join any further cruises.
Finally we would like to remind you that you chose our luxury cruise which is very much in demand. Your package includes quality yacht, sails, self-steering and engine all in working order, luxury private 'en suite' accommodation with a view. You didn't purchase the optional extra 'sleep'.
Other cheaper cruises include 'ripped sails' and 'rudderless' for those who like a challenge or our "Captain Bligh" themed cruise 'sail with the skipper from hell'.