Life in the Navy is a little different to Southern Princess!!
P Build a shelf in the top of your wardrobe and sleep on it inside a small sleeping bag.
P Remove the wardrobe door and replace it with a curtain that is too small.
P Wash your underwear every night in a bucket, then hang the underwear over the water pipes to dry.
P Four hours after you go to bed have your wife whip open the curtains, shine a torch in your eyes and say "Sorry, mate."
P Renovate your bathroom: store beer barrels in the shower enclosure; build a wall across the centre of your bath and install a shower head at chest level.
When you shower, remember to shout at the top of
your voice "Turnin' on!" when turning the shower on, and "Turnin' off!" when
turning the shower off.
Every time there is a thunderstorm, sit in a wobbly
chair and rock as hard as you can until you feel sick.
Put oil into the air conditioner, or brush it over
the radiators, then set the system to high.
P Don't watch TV, except for movies in the middle of the night. For added realism, have your family vote for which movie they want to see, and then select a different one.
P Leave a lawn mower running in your living room 24 hours a day to re-create the proper noise levels. (Mandatory for stokers.)
Have the paper boy cut your hair.
Once a week blow compressed air up through your
chimney. Ensure the wind carries soot over your neighbour's house.
When he complains, laugh at him.
Buy a rubbish compactor and use it once a
week. Store the rubbish on the other side of your bathroom.
Wake up at midnight and make a sandwich out of
anything you can find, preferably using stale bread. Optional side:
cold soup or ravioli out of a can.
Devise menus for your family a week in advance
without looking in the pantry or fridge.
Set your alarm clock to go off at random times
during the night; when it goes off, leap out of bed, dress as quickly as you
can, run into the garden, break out the garden hose and spray anything that
looks like it could catch fire.
Once a month take every household appliance
completely apart, and then reassemble.
Use four spoons of coffee per cup, and allow it to
sit for three hours before drinking.
Invite 85 people you don't like to come and stay for
Install a small fluorescent light under your coffee
table, then lay underneath it and read books.
Raise the threshold and lower the top sills of all
doors in the house. Now you will always bang your shins or hit your head
when passing through them.
When baking cakes, prop up one side of the tin while
it's in the oven. When it has cooled, spread icing very thickly on the low
side to even it up again.
Every so often throw your cat in the bath and shout
"Man overboard!" Then run into the kitchen and sweep all the pans and
dishes on to the floor while yelling at your wife for not having secured for
Put on the headphones for your stereo but do not
plug them in. Go and stand in front of the dishwasher. Say to nobody in
particular, "Dishwasher manned and ready sir!" Stand there for three or
four hours then say, again to nobody in particular, "Dishwasher secured!"
Remove the headphones, roll up the cord and put them away.
Nickname your shoes "steaming bats" and get your
children to hide them around the house on a random basis.
Identify someone with an IQ preferably that of an
indoor plant (but at least forty points below your own) and arrange matters so
that he has ultimate power over your career. (Mandatory for WEOs.)
Go to the supermarket and buy nothing, but queue up
Get your kids to hide around a corner and throw a
bucket of water over you when you walk by.
Whenever you order a short at the pub, tell the
barman to have sippers.
seven tins of different soups in a pan and eat it while looking around to see if
anyone else is eating it.
a teapot full of tea for 20 minutes then mix in two full tins of carnation cream
and one tin of condensed milk, let it stand for 20 minutes, and then drink it
out of a dirty cup while eating a stale bun.
fry an egg for 25 minutes, place on a slice of cold greasy fried bread, eat it
and wash it down with the aforementioned tea.
P As you're about to start eating your dinner, get someone to shout "Starboard twenty five!" and then tip the table to 30 degrees so everything slides off.
P Set the toaster so that it burns anything that is put in it.
P Set up five tape recorders with recordings of five different people snoring, and play them all night.
P Take all the bedding off and dismantle the bed. Go out for a night on the town and return at two in the morning, then get your head down after making the bed.