Admiral Cow's Report (v. important doc.)

Kingfisher 2013
Peter Smith
Mon 16 Dec 2013 16:13
Well! It is about time.... Owing to a series of schoolboy errors by the Ceptin (as he likes to be known!), Admiral Cow (that's me) has been unable to get onto the reporting machine for his vital assessments. What a shower I have been saddled with on this latest famous and heroic voyage by the much admired Admiral Cow (that's me again). It is hard to know where to start……

First of all, there is the "odd one out". Following my complaints in the last Atlantic report they finally got a girl on board to replace the endless stream of oldies and fatties that I usually have to put up with as crew. But the idiots only went and got the wrong sort - she is certainly not a cow, doesn't even have the right number of legs and her hair falls out….everywhere! But, on the other hand, it could have been worse. She is cheerful and keeps the wild lanky ones under control (when she's sober) and generally brightens up the scenery. I suspect she has secretly taken a shine to me as the figure of authority and handsomeness on board and I certainly don't have any competition from the two lanky, skinny deckhands. They keep trying to impress her with their fitness exercises but, honestly…..whenever they try to stand up on 4 legs the front two always collapse and have to be pushed up again. When they get tired from that (only takes about 40 tries) they lie down and try to sit up but can't do that either and lie down again. It is a bit sad to watch but they keep doing it all the time. She pretends not to notice but, like me probably feels a bit sorry for them.

The Ceptin is not bothering with the 4 leg thing - although he would probably be better off on 4 legs for all the staggering around he does, When he is not staggering he is either making something that doesn't need fixing worse than it was before or in his bunk complaining that he cannot sleep. I know why he can't sleep - he's got the snacks locker under his bed so between him and lanky vacuum cleaner for a son who is in there with him they can't hear themselves for the crackling of crisps and chocolate biscuits and nuts. The other lanky one in the bow (who is rooming with a strange person who turned up late and has the same name as him and seems to actually know something about boating) has all the beers and booze in their cabin; the girl has all the crisps…and I have to put up with just a few oranges and the spare water to pick at in my cabin. You would think they wouldn't get hungry after getting their snouts in those troughs all day long but you be jolly surprised. They all eat like hogs at meal times (every 2 hours or so). Where the lanky ones put all that food I have no idea although it is pretty obvious where the Ceptin puts it - alongside all those beers in the special belly he has developed for the purpose.

I must now report on some mysterious goings on. I have not got to the bottom of all of this but, for example, there have been some disappearance attempts centred around the girl. I am not sure that the Ceptin even knew that she was coming with us - he tried to hide her up the mast when Mrs Ceptin was coming on a visit. Up the mast is a good place to be when Mrs Ceptin is around (as anyone knows) but everybody could see her up there and a whole crowd of people gathered on the quay so they had to let her down again. Idiots! Then there was the time when the whole crew got a bit suspicious that she might be an albatross thingy when we didn't get any wind for 2 whole weeks. They all tried to dump her over the side - in the marina! I mean, if you want to throw an albatross thingy in the sea, you wouldn't do it right next to the boat in a marina would you? The strange person clearly wasn't in on the plot as he helped get her out and then she was strangely quiet the next day, poor thing and kept apologising…although I thought it was the Ceptin who should have been sorry about it. Then the crew attempted a mutiny and couldn't even organise that properly. They managed to get Ceptin in the locker half full with sea water but then someone let him out again. Incompetent doesn't begin to describe this uprising. He was up and about making a fuss almost immediately.

The Ceptin is a nuisance all the time - limping around bossing people around as if he owned the ship. I am sure I have had him on one of my previous adventures (soon to be published and made into a film starring me) but he wasn't any use then either. For instance, he thinks he has found some new fangled device to tell him where he is but has no idea how to use it. He was busy claiming he had found his position within 12 miles the other day when any fool could see that he was only 5 yards away from my bunk swaying around on the aft deck. Pointless tomfoolery. I have taken a look at it myself (see photo) and I can tell you it is clearly broken.


There is only half a mirror for a start which makes it impossible to groom both ears at the same time and the sun glasses don't fit whichever way you wear it. I think they call it a Sex Tint but I don't even want to think about how that works. He also keeps moaning about sea water getting on the leather seats but it is always him leaving the hatches open and flooding everything. Just wait until Mtrs Ceptin finds out about that wave that landed on her hay stall in the back….I can't wait to see that. He and lanky vacuum cleaner tried to clear up but she will not fall for that. And then there is the confrontation over the other lanky one taking Miss Ceptin's cabin instead of the other one. She already knows about it but I am looking forward to the revenge plot - better than a good horror movie that will be. (Talking of movies - what is wrong with these people. If i have had to watch Master and Commander once I have watched it a hundred times. They never watch my favourites - cowboys and indians for instance.)

The Ceptin is also obsessed with fishing and has press-ganged the lanky ones into pretending to help out. A land-locked herd of Herefordshires would have more chance of catching fish than those clowns. First they forgot to buy most of the right kit; then Ceptin got his knots wrong and lost all the lures. Then they forgot the spinner and tangled up the line and finally they managed to let all the fish actually stupid enough to jump on the line get off again. Luckily, I had made alternative plans for my sushi dinners.

At least it was quite a relaxing trip for me until the last 3 days. I managed to change my straw only once all the way from the start but I had to change it 4 times in one night when they were messing around pretending to be sailors. I was woken up by a very loud bang the other night and then kept awake by Ceptin, strange one and the lanky deckhands running around like headless Tuna. It was obvious from the start that one of them had simply burst a trouser button after yet another humungous evening meal but they insisted that a block had parted. Their blocks had parted company with the rest of their bodies, that is for sure. No sooner was that mess sorted out when the lanky vacuum cleaner started shouting about passing 16 (he looks older than that to me but who cares if someone happens to have a birthday in the middle of the night - you don't wake an Admiral and scare him into soiling his hay just for that). Then the wind went to 45 - not at all surprising when you think about what they had consumed a few hours earlier. All in all a most trying night. But that is not the worst of it. The strange one has a habit of lighting up a fag on deck and pretending that he is behind the cow sheds. He most certainly is not behind the sheds as I can clearly see him through my (well appointed) cabin portholes. What does he think he is doing smoking over the diesel tanks? My nerves are shredded by worrying about this and then, on top of everything else, the fire alarm keeps going off every 20 minutes - and they all sit around looking at the horizon as though we are not all in imminent danger of exploding!!!!!! The only sane member of the crew turns out to be the girl who just sleeps through every "crisis". Clever ploy! If only I had her cabin.

I really miss the old deck hands. There was that very nice man who shared his bottled of vodka with me before the start of the last Atlantic trip (copyright Admiral Coew enterprises). Come to think of it, even he wasn't that generous with the actual vodka. This mob keep pretending to make things "dark and stormy" and then sitting around just having a drink instead of preparing for the worst…it's a wonder I am steady enough to still get to the fridge for my evening drink.

I am certainly going to have to file more complaints to Mrs and Miss Ceptin when they arrive. For the moment, I am going to lie down in the air conditioning - at least they have finally realised how to work that. On the last day….!