1.00am. (Weight 8st 3lbs, alcohol units 0)

 Wake fully refreshed for first watch.  Lightly leap from bunk and choose co-ordinated designer high tech yachty clothing outfit, (black and beige). Quickly twirl sunkissed blonde hair into perfect Grace Kelly chignon, slip on streamlined lifejacket and walk like cat across saloon, glide up companionway and into cockpit.  Am greeted heartily by previous watch with cup of fragrant strong fresh coffee and home made hob nob. Observe dolphins surfing bow wave and laugh prettily at their antics.  Phosphorescence mirroring stars in midnight blue sky. Boat heeled over at constant angle, trimmed to perfection and skimming across waves at 9.3 knots directly for St Lucia.  VHF radio pipes up.  Could this be long awaited message of love from skipper of super yacht luxury gin palace? 

1.01am. (Weight unknown thankfully, alcohol units 0 sadly)

Rudely woken from delightful dream.  ‘Sleeping’ (ha ha) in cabin at pointy end aka washing machine, anti-gravity chamber, roller coaster and rude words.  Am pinned to bunk by forces unknown.  Flap around like landed Mahi Mahi in struggle to escape said forces.  Make way to end of bunk feet first, bang head on ceiling, elbow on locker. Hair frizzed out like mad scientist due to 110% humidity.  Grope around for lifejacket.  Put on over pyjamas back to front.  Quickly realise error as look like extra in sci-fi film, possibly Alien.  Turn it around and fasten up.  Forgotten belt with essential knife (for repelling pirates, gutting fish and cleaning fingernails).  Take off lifejacket, put on belt with said knife, put on lifejacket, fasten crotch strap and walk like crab sideways across saloon, hanging like monkey to grab rails.  Haul self up companion way, struggling against aforesaid forces trying to push me back down again.  Am greeted heartily by watch stating sound like marley’s ghost clanging up companionway due to clippy things on harness on lifejacket. Struggle back down companionway to make own cup of instant.  Catch enough water for one cup in kettle at 2^nd attempt.  1^stattempt water from tap falls at weird angle sideways into sink.  Boat heels back to opposite side.  Am hurled crabwise by said malignant forces and do weird dance across saloon floor.  (Must try and remember moves for big bash on 18^th).  Put on deck shoes and socks with pink pigs to complete elegant ensemble.  Am ejected up companionway at speed into cockpit and arrive on watch.  Flying fish flapping around on deck.  Washed overboard as huge wave breaks over bow giving me unexpected invigorating salt water shower.  (Good for complexion).  VHF radio pipes up.  Message from passing fishing boat. “monkey monkey, miaow”.