Offshore
Snap
Thu 17 Dec 2015 18:26
Bx has straightened the wind out for me so it’s wafting me directly to the carib. BUT I have tarnished my Bx membership due to breaking the t’s and c’s and getting forecast from non-authorised source, i.e. stingo masquerading as TotBx.
Bx advises that all Bx sub-brands fall under Bx global control, including but not limited to TotBx, UtterBx, CompleteBx and SweatyBx. Oh dear. I feel like I’ve been pelted with eggs on my way into a restaurant - then gotten thrown out of the restaurant for bringing in my own food. Actually that’s never happened to me, it was just a poor example allegory, whatever. PLUS that stingo has even gone and used the “noteasy” handle cos his new email is clueles at noteasytoremember dot com. Well, they do say that imitation is the sincerest form of getting free ideas.
I went to SIBS in september, the Southampton Indifferent Boat Show, and of course it chucked it down. I was going to buy a jacket anyway and oh look these are £95, but don’t have any lining. “Yes” says the nice lady ”these are built to a layering system” - gottit - no lining.
So ok, these others look ok - £200 or there’s these other ones £400 - what’s the difference? Well the more expensive ones are for Offshore she says, not feeling the need or ability to explain Offshore duty - just that normally when she says Offshore people sorta oh er right, and put them down. The offshore jackets have deeper pockets and a whistle. I bought the £200 option, seems fine. Why would your jacket be different just cos the water is deeper? Oh, tsk, maybe I wouldn’t understand. But i bet I would…
And … I reckon that Offshore is exactly where I am, right now. Yeah, it’s taken 8 days to get to where it might normally take 4, but what the heck, here we are Offshore. I’m using that plural again - here I am again, Offshore.
And it’s about now that I am feeling exceptionally relaxed without any crew at all, cos of course, the further offshore one gets, the greater the palpable tension amongst the crew. Ooh I love the word “palpable”. Although not as much as I love the word “unspooling”. The sad demise of cassette players means less need to use the word “unspooling”. Not to worry though - if you leave toilet rolls around the saloon then they’ll be unspooling everywhere
Anyways, yes, the Offshore Tension. Lots of crew get a heightened sense of needing to DO something, haul lines perhaps, as a means of surviving the appalling terror of being offshore. Very serious discussions about distances to shore and so on. One crew admitted their private fears to Stingo John who (To Their Horror, as usual) said ooh nothing to worry about and you’re never far from land - it’s maximum 2 miles straight down!
I suppose those crew who bought the £400 jackets would be feeling less concerned than those with the inferior and less-well-prepared £200 jacket, dyathink? Or in fact nobody would be using them at all now cos it’s quite warm and sunny…
And the fact is that offshore transat is generally an absolute doodle. Okay, NOT a doodle if you’re in a race, in which case much harder work, and unless you’re winning - not too much fun. Cos there’s only one winner and every other boat is a loser - so the chances are - you’re a loser. More demotivational truisms on www.despair.com.
But for non-racers, being offshore means it’s just much longer between the putting the fenders away, and getting them out again. In between, it’s mostly messing about, making interesting drinks and foodstuffs, and no need for any anxiety whatsoever.
So today, instead of having to calm the frantic nerves of offshore noobs, I have been sunbathing yet again, and ploughed my way through Martina’s 600-page novel containing an estimated minimum 1500 f-words. Hey, i don’t have a problem, I’m admiring her having such a head start. I wonder if they edit OUT the excessive f-words - or perhaps feel that they have to ADD THEM IN, for extra gangsterism flavour hm? They probably have meetings to discuss it. I suppose they would have to be quite polite meetings else it could get very confusing? Or of course, Martina might easily get the number of f-words exactly right, and any interference she’d smash their effing faces in….