And now the end is near - and so we face the final way point!

It seems so long ago that Johnnie had this impossible dream and asked Dirk and I to to head into Hell for a heavenly cause. But here we are on our final week in the baking sun with the finish line in sight.

I think the lads have covered life onboard pretty well in their blogs so I thought that in my one and only blog I would tell you about the journey my head has been on.

About 3 months before we left Johnnie contacted me to say we had a behaviourist and psychological coach onboard to support us and help us prepare for the mental side of our voyage. He’s called Michael Romeling and Johnnie had scheduled a Zoom meeting in a few days time. Having spent most of my adult life on and off meds, seeing therapists and using drink to fend off the black dog of depression I must say I was a bit dubious. Ultimately, I always find myself back at square one - nobody or no thing has every truly understood it or me.

During our first Zoom meeting I could see this will be good for us as a team but my thoughts return to ‘here we go again’ when we are presented with a lengthy psychometric questionnaire. A week later and the results are in. I think we were all taken aback when Michael went the results and applied his interpretation. He had us all spot on. It was remarkable to find things I didn’t even know about myself that made perfect sense when presented with them. Finally, someone who understands me.

With this information we learnt each other’s personality traits and over the months that followed learnt how to cope with and look after each other. We also learnt the importance of checking in every day both mentally and physically. We created ‘Horratio’ days every 5 days to treat ourselves, keep us motivated and break the tedium. We also had one session to work through our own bits and bobs. This was so important for me and I believe is the starting point for a change that will shape the rest of my life.

Firstly, I learnt about Little Stef - the child inside me who needs to be nurtured. Fast forward to Portugal, sometime between Christmas and New Year. It had been a tough few weeks (despite our silly video updates) but preparations are going well and we are looking forward to New Year. However, a feeling is growing inside me that I can’t ignore or shift - the black dog is poking it’s head around the corner. “Why am I here? I can’t do this. I’m not in the same league as Johnnie and Dirk.” I felt worthless and like a sponge. Of course, I mask this to the outside world with a song and a beer but Johnnie knows me too well. We talked it through and he reassured me and also recommended I call Romeling.

So, that was my next move. It took a few tries but eventually I summoned the courage. We talked for over an hour about many things that I don’t need to go into right now. After some tears and a laugh I came away with a very different outlook. “It’s time to stop hating yourself, Stef” and “you must look after little Stef.” If I couldn’t do these things it would negatively effect me, my experience and the crew.

From that night on I drew a little stickman holding an oar on my left hand to remind me of Little Stef. He has been there ever since. I redraw him every day and I will tattoo him on when I get home to save on the Sharpie bill. It seems so simple but these things have got me through the row and will change my life forever.

The first few weeks of the expedition were incredibly difficult. No sleep, lots of nightmares and a savage physical challenge - but it’s amazing what you can achieve when the option to quit has been taken away. Going through our protocols as a team and having a few pep talks with Little Stef kept me going.

After overcoming these first weeks - even though life onboard was still tough for us - we started to make progress and see changes. We could sleep, process thoughts, sit on deck together and on the lonely night shifts we had lots of time to think. Time to evaluate your life so far. Time to think of the good and bad. Most importantly, time to think of who you are going to be and what you want and do not want. During the mornings on deck we would take time to help process each other’s thoughts and emotions and offer support and shared experiences. Every time we did this I grew closer to the man I want to be.

The list is long but the Top 2 are these: I want to marry my darling Vicki and settle down. I want a complete change of career. So, it’s off to Gretna Green with a handful of friends and family when I get home and the tools are being put away at the end of the year. Who knows what I will do: dog trainer, train driver or maybe even the next Michael Romeling.

Whatever it is I can’t wait. I’m no fool and I recognise I still have a lot of things to sort out with the help of Michael and the rest of my friends and family. But I thank my lucky stars that I have had this opportunity to restart my life. So, it may be the end of a voyage of a lifetime but it’s just the beginning of my lifetime’s voyage.

Thank you to my family, friends and two fellow adventurers. I will see you all when I touch the green, green grass if home!