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Date: 15 Mar 2010 13:52:56
Title: same old same old

Hi guys,
I genually believed this would be my last blog on saturday as the weather forcast suggested that we would have a hard day sunday but good weather monday and tuesday. Well, i HOPED, the good weather would return, and it hasnt! We are currently 113 miles from the finish doing 1 mile an hour!!! I cant tell you how soul destroying i am finding it. Our arrival date has now been pushed back again, and so at this pace, saturday morning it will be. I also believe BA are going on strike next weekend, so desperate to get home, it looks like i might not be able to, lets hope that one gets over turned as well.
When the news arrived last night that the weather might not change until wedneday, my heart sank like crazy and although i completed the next three shifts, as per normal, i was holding back the tears. I just dont understand why us, and the rest of the fleet are being treated like this. As i returned to the cabin to write this and read a few other emails, the tears began to flow, uncontrolably at first, but feeling a bit better now.
I dont know why i keep telling you these things, you dont need to know but mentally, ive gone. I thought that it would be tom who would probalby crack during this trip, but no, its me. I rowed with a real heavy heart this morning and thinking it might be all the paracetomal im taking to help me get over the pain of my bum and having lost most of the skin on my left teasticle (again you dont need to know that, but honesty works well here, and besides, there's no one else to share it with here!), im beginnig to think it might be the last of my soul leaving my body.
We keep getting texts saying that we are nearly there and that we have done amazingly etc. There great, they really do give us a boost so do keep them coming, but the fact is, that although we are nearly there, we arent there, and the slower we go, the further it all seems. All we need is a 2 day window of good conditions and we can cover the ground, easly. I just dont know when and cant see why or where the change will come from. There isnt a cloud in the sky just this steady southerly wind battering us from the side.
The most exciting thing that has happened is that we had a bird land on the front of the boat a few days ago and stay there all night, it was kinda cool until the morning and i found bird crap all over the front. We also had a swim yesturday but all that did was rinse the suncream off and sting the, you know what, i mentioned earlier!
And thats about it. I wanted to write all my thank yous but i will leave that to my last blog, whenever that will be. If, by a miricle the weather does change, i will write it from land and tell you how im adapting. Hopefully well but somehow i feel this might ake a while for me to get over.  
But i want to leave you today with a few things. Frstly, the question mark made by the stars i mentioned very early on, is still very much there. My faceal hair is growing strong and i fear hiding the visable signs of weight loss, and although i have flurted with the idea, im still not sunburnt yet. Finally, i was watching a film last night night and came across this quote, i thought it sumed things up quite well:
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate, our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world, there is nothing inlightened about shrinking so that other people wont feel insecure around you, we were all ment to shine as children do, its not just in some of us, its in everyone, and as we let our own light shine, we unconsiously give permission to others to do the same as we are liberated from our own fear. Our pressence automatically liberates others"
I hope sharing my fears and my weaknesses means that some of you will fight your fears.If they dont, my last few blogs whilst going so slowly cant have read too easly forf you.

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