Admiral Cow's official report on ARC 2006

Tue 12 Dec 2006 19:18
Admiral Cow at the chart table.....
At last, I've got a chance to get to the computer now that Mr Colin has been strapped to the wheel all day and can't conduct his business affairs mid Atalntic. I don't want to start on a negative note but I've got a few things to beef about. First, my accomodation. Things started in the right vein with me holed up in the big cabin at the front but blow me, three days later, I'm shoved in the bookcase and don't get a moments peace with all these humans (which I mean in the broadest possible sense) going on about Jenny and how little beer there is on board. Well how much hay did you put on board then chaps? Still I had to laugh the other day when Mr Colin stopped his internet chatline business for breakfast, tucks into the top grade cattle food I'd smuggled on board and declares it to be the worst muesli he's ever tasted. As for losing my first class cabin, that seems to be a blessing in disguise. The so called Captain (lower rank than me of course) clearly keeps having nightmares, getting up at all houirs of the night shouting "Watch the jibe!" (whatever that means) "What b****** course are we steering?" and "Wake up James!", nobody takes any notice and then he goes back to my bed.
Now, don't tell anybody and keep this entirely to yourself but I think these idiots have had a heifer - sorry lady - on board. They've kept her well hidden and like all these things it seems to have started off well - oh how lovely Jenny is looking, isn't she a beautiful shape, she's pulling well etc etc. The honeymoon period didn't last long - I think the old girl got into bit of a temper - and I don't blame her with this crew of rank amateurs - and she started breaking things, quite a lot of things it seems. I haven't heard such bad language since I went on the Royal Yacht "Britannia" and totally misunderstood what the poop deck was for - bang went my promotion I can tell you. Any way I don't like to tell tales but I think this scurvy crew of pirates have done Jenny in, in the early hours of the morming. I think she's been chopped and put in a sack and shoved in the aft locker - if for any reason I don't make it to Rodney Bay, please sad desperate reader, inform the port police immediately.
My fears for my own personal safety arise from idle chit chat I've heard about hoisting me up with the courtesy flag on arrival into Rodney Bay. The Captain protests and says that Millie won't have it. Well they haven't taken any notice of him all voyage, why are they going to start now? I'm counting on the fact that they seem to have the collective memory span of a goldfish and will forget about me and go back to moaning about how there isn't enough beer on board....
Its been a sad time for me. In the old days hoi polloi like this lot would not even been allowed on a boat like this to clean its toilets let alone cross the Atlantic in it. As it is I have to keep sneaking out to the auto pilot and getting us back on the right course (provided of course the one I call the stick insect hasn't switched the darned thing off and got us heading into a death roll). There is a young lad on board I almost feel sorry for until he tucked into the so called Tandoori Beef with relish the other night - however I knew as soon as they opened the bag to cook the meat that some prune had bought 2 kilos of donkey (at an extortionate price). Then there's the other chap who is reading lots of books to improve his mind - they must be very boring because he's asleep all the time!
Here's hoping for a safe landing in St Lucia and I'm looking forward to seeing young Millie, the only decent human I know. I will tell you a lot more about what has really been going on. And if they put me up the mast, tell your Mum - everyone on the boat especially the knave that stole my cabin, seems really scared of her. There again they all seem scared of their heifers - until they have got half way through their daily can of beer. What a bunch of losers!
Thats all from me. Mr Colin is lurking and wants to check our position. Well from where I'm sitting- shoved in the bookcase remember - I think this lot are up the proverbial creek without a canoe.
Pip pip!!